16 years later and I still believe that Fred Durst should be beaten to death.

I just made it through about half of the new Limp Bizkit video. It is just as horrible as anything else they ever released. Most of the music I listen to is pretty high octane blasting so I don't believe at all that there is even a hint of a generation gap when I say that I just don't understand how anyone-now or in the 90s-would ever want to listen to that goddamned bullshit. It is not fun. It does not bounce. It has no ass. 
I used to cook for a living. A horrible job. I cooked for quite some time at the Broad Ripple Brew Pub. A wonderful place. You should go there. I made it through 2 firings and the same amount of quittings-in-a-huff.  I still go there sometimes and still love almost everyone I worked with there. But most of these people have the most godfuckingawful taste in music. Some of those folks listened to Limp Bizkit way back in the late 90s when I was there. And whenever that shit came on I would feel ill inside. Until they left and then I'd grab the offending cd and zap it in the microwave for 25 seconds. If you do this, it scrambles the data on the cd without distorting the thing. You'd never be able to tell by looking. Longer than that and you can see it's fucked. Such a simple thing and it will never be playable again. Had I not done that I would have lost my goddamned mind. Limp Bizkit and Phish almost always brought this reaction from me. 
So yeah, I hate that band. This new video has Lil Wayne in it. I had never heard it before. Kid looks like a little tough guy so imagine my surprise when I heard his voice. All I could say was, "Wow. What a twerp." 
I hate it. Not good at all. In the song, dude brags about still being the man after selling 40 million records. So what, McDonald's has sold billions and that shit is poison. Thanks for poisoning my ears, asshole.


PS: If I were Jessica Biel or Britney Spears I'd go stab that fuck in the balls for what he says about them in the song.

Last haiku of the challenge.

this was fun to do
self-discipline works for me
when i want it to

Haiku #13 of 14.

gigged in december

miss it so bad makes me itch

need to rock and roll

Haiku #12 of 14.

in april i wrote
of my love for miss thurston
well i found her pic

Haiku #11 of 14.

kmart stepped right up
told one million moms fuck you
might start shopping there

Haiku #10 of 14.

a damned double at ten
come right back on saturday
and do it again

Haiku #9 of 14.

lonely and horny
is no way to go through life
better than death though

Haiku #8 of 14.

progress has been made

baby steps though I hope to

see it dispensed free

Haiku #7 of 14.

my challenge half done
and not one about women
need to stop slacking

Haiku #6 of 14.

alien landscape
a dream not unlike tripping
i wish i lived there

Haiku #5 of 14.

bought one again and
not one number matched this time
fuckin powerball

Sam Hopkins asked me to review a couple of the Leprechaun movies. So I did.

For all of the horror movies I had watched and geeked out on over the years, I had never seen any of these. I guess by the time these started being released I was watching other sorts of awful stories in movies. My buddy Sam asked me to review these as a joke, I guess but I went ahead and did it. What the hell, right? He asked for Leprechaun 2 and Leprechaun 3. Not 1 or any of the others. I didn't bother with 1 at all. Just jumped right in to the second movie. Here we go.

LEPRECHAUN 2
Starts out a 1000 years ago. That ugly little bastard has captured some guy that had tried to steal his Lucky Charms or whatever. Tells him he will let the guy go in exchange for his daughter's hand in midget marriage. Dude plays him along long enough for his daughter to get away and the little turd kills him after telling him that he can get married again in another 1000 years and will fuck old boy's family up then. During the opening credits, 1000 years pass and the Irish in that family have moved to the US. In Hollywood, the cute girl has some douche of a boyfriend who gives people those star tours and his is kind of cool because it's a scary themed rip off. When we see him the first time he is trying to get Clint Howard and some lady on a tour. CLINT HOWARD FUCK YEAH!! So, Clint Howard, his woman and another couple go on a tour with the kid. While that goes on an old drunk who's passed out near a tree loses his whiskey to the powers of the Leprechaun and the booze brings him to life in  the present. The kid gets busted for driving on a learner's permit during a tour and loses his girlfriend (Irish descent girl) to a total turd. The kid's drunk boss gets him out of jail and from here on out it's all about the monster trying to get the girl to be his bride and the girl's geeky fella trying to get her back. The little fuck has magic and can make you see shit that isn't there to trick you. For instance, he makes a kid believe he is making out with a hot topless gal but he's really putting his face into a lawn mower's blades. Not that cool though. You only see the shadow of that. Weak. Fairly standard slasher shit for the rest of the movie. The Leprechaun is one of those wisecracking villains too and I hate that shit. Yeah so, lame violence, lame story, lame movie. I found it hard to believe that this wasn't a straight to video movie. It really played in theaters? The girl was cute but the girl was a blonde. Lame.

PROS: Indy 500 mention and big ups for the Andy Kaufman graffiti in a mens room
CONS: Fuckin sucks.

LEPRECHAUN 3
I'm the kind of person who likes to experience something in full before I pass judgment but I swear I could tell what a miserable hunk of garbage this was going to be before the first two minutes were up. In this one some guy brings the little fucker in statue form to a pawn shop in Vegas. He's all freaked out and wants gas money to book town. Tells the guy at the shop not to remove the medallion around the leprechaun's neck. Dude does anyway and the fucker comes alive (TRILOGY OF TERROR rip) and goes on a rampage. In this, the protagonists are Tammy, a magician's assistant whose car breaks down and Scott, the doof who picks her up and gives her a ride to her magician's assistant job at a casino. The violence and gore are both much better in this one so I can recommend it on a small level for that. I might have enjoyed this one but the limericks, wisecracks, and magic assistant sub plot burned my ass up. I hate magic and magicians. That shit sucks. As much as I do enjoy watching people get smacked silly with shillelaghs and whatnot, I really can't recommend this overall but to say that in the case of these two movies 3 is greater than 2.

PROS: Violence and bloodletting are superior to 2.
CONS: Fuckin sucks.

These movies are fucked. I can see how they would trick someone who wants to watch a good scary show to watch them. And that's awful because these have nothing to offer any horror fan. Cheap bullshit effects, sub-par everything. And that ubiquitous monstrosity, the wisecracking horror villain.  But the first one had Clint Howard and that was good for a couple of minutes. Anyway, if not for Sam daring me to do this I never would have seen these. 

There you go, Sam.

Haiku #4 of 14.

a mann's grill breakfast
die from the lard and sausage
but damn it's so good

DMT compared to LSD

At about 3 minutes, dude gets real.

Haiku #3 of 14.

wish for time travel
and take all of my friends to
see fuckin Queen live

Haiku #2 of 14.

april to may and
thirty six god damned degrees
fuck this cold bullshit

The funniest band in the world singing the funniest song they've written.

And it rocks!

Morning haiku challenge: a haiku every morning for 14 days #1

wake up so worn down
need to sleep off last night's work
but the dogs wake me

Miss Thurston

I fell in love for the first time when I was in kindergarten. With my teacher, Miss Thurston. She was real nice to me all the time and looked like Mary Tyler Moore when she was on the Dick Van Dyke show. So of course I loved her. She was always super tolerant of me and my non stop mouth and hyperactivity. She would let me go on and on about whatever Godzilla movie I had seen the week before or whatever it was I'd be hollering about. Almost always something I had seen on Sammy Terry the Friday night before. And I'd be jumping around like some brain damaged case the whole time. And she let me. Never was mean to me. So, I just knew we would get married some day. On the last day of school I found out some awful news. I was in the A.M. class so my mom picked me up about noon. I was blabbing in the car about how much I loved Miss Thurston when my mom told me that she was getting married and moving away. Leaving Indiana. I threw a fucking fit. Mom had to turn around the car and take me back to school. I ran into the classroom and had Mom put me up on Miss Thurston's desk where right in front of the P.M. students and all, I told her that she couldn't get married and move away. She had to stay because I loved her and wanted to get hitched. Or get shacked up at least. She said AWWWW and kissed my head and that was it. Never saw her again. And that's my story for International Women's Day.

My answer to a question I hate.

Some goddamned moron was asking me what my five favorite movies are. I told him that much like bands, singers, books or songs I have no specific favorites because I love so many. Such an answer was far too intellectually tough for him so he asked me the exact same thing again. So, fuck it. Here's what I told him.

1) First place is a tie. Jaws and Gummo. Jaws sent me off on  a 2 year long reading orgy of devouring every fucking book I could get my hands on about sharks. I even wrote 10 year old stalker letters to Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute for extra shark information. It may not seem like it but I did have friends when I was a kid. I was just crazy as hell. I wore a JAWS t shirt for my 5th grade picture. Gummo, on the other hand showed my childhood in a way that no other film ever has. Watch it. That's how I grew up. Nothing else to say about it.
2) Second place is a tie. Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things and I Drink Your Blood. The first was my introduction to zombie movies. Saw it at the drive in when I was 6. Greatest evening of my entire childhood. My family spoke of this movie and its horrors for years. When I saw it again as an adult I realized how cheap it was but for all of its cheapness, it delivers. In spades. I flat out love the second. Mansonesque acid hippies invade a small town, have blood rituals in the woods, dose an old man with LSD and then comes the rabies. Fucking brilliant cinema.
3) Four way tie between as many John Waters films. Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, Desperate Living and Polyester. Yeah, Hairspray and Crybaby are fun and all but these four right here do all I want the man's movies to do to me. If you haven't seen them I can't imagine what awful rock you have been living under but you need to scramble out to see these. Suitable for children.
4) Simon of the Desert. I wonder what the fuck Luis Bunuel was on when he made this fucking abortion. I love it though. And when it comes to an end that you expect to tell you all, you get jarred right out of your mind by how fucking ridiculous it is.
5) Fool's Rush In. What kind of romantic-fun-hater would not enjoy this movie?

Dude was slackjawed when I finished telling him all of this. He knew about Jaws but that was it.

same as always

never changes
goes around and hides
for a spell
unchanged
inside and gnawing
for all the years it stays it feels
just the same as it always has
not so much a hurt as yes
gnawing
inside
over the same issue as always
too
can't have that one
she hates you or
she doesn't feel the same or
she's got a man or
she's got a woman or
she's too far away or
or
or
or
doesn't matter because
it
never changes
others come and fill the want and might
almost be what you want but
nah
not the same
always thought it would be different as
a grown person
it ain't
because now you feel like you should be shaken and told to grow up
fuck

Pentecostal hoedown. Every Sunday and Wednesday at Faith Chapel.

There wasn't really any snake handling at the church I was forced to go to when I was a kid. But there was a shitload of faith healing, speaking in tongues, falling out in the spirit and all kinds of hilljack hollering and crying and carrying on. When it really got cooking I would stand or sit back and watch the spectacle. For the first few years of my life it disturbed the shit out of me. Then I picked up on the fact that if I viewed it as entertainment and not some real shit then it would be a lot easier to take. That's when I often almost got in trouble because I would have to stifle so much laughter at these morons running around yelling and screaming for Jesus to swing down low enough to smite the fuck out of them with the fire of the Holy Ghost and send them off into "falling out in the spirit" land. Which could mean anything from frenzied boogying around or keeling over on the ground undulating and groaning for Christ. I am not even making this up. My youngest sister came and grabbed me once when we were really young and took me to where Joanne Dukes (wife of Plunky Shade Dukes) was down for the count between pews. She pointed at her and said, Look she's dead. So, it was fun too. Never any snakes or poison drinking though. I would have loved that. There were burnt offerings once. People wrote on pieces of paper what it was they wanted god to pull off for them that week and put it in the flame of this torch like contraption that was up at the altar. It was odd and sort of witchy and I couldn't figure out what the fuck it had to do with bible shit. But what the fuck did I know? I was 7 and freaked out by all of it.

I just knew.

That "just know" feeling that turns out to be right can be a bit spooky. When you just know something is going a certain way and you can't change it. And it ends up being true and you feel a bit unsettled inside like when being smacked in the brain with deja vu. An instance that sticks out for me was this time several years back. I had been dating this girl and the longer we were together the more obvious it was that we had nothing critical to keeping the relationship going in common. There must be at least a little bit of common ground there. Some interest or another. After an evening that was nerve wracking only because we really didn't want to be hanging out with each other, we headed back to my place. Indulged in the most lackluster make out session ever. The next morning when I was in the living room getting ready to crank the fuck out of some Church of Misery to see if that would make her leave, she asked if I wanted to go for some breakfast. Three things happened that made me just know that it was all over. Done. No reason to ever call her again. One: she wanted to go to the goddamned Keystone Deli for breakfast. There is no shittier place to eat anywhere else in the state of Indiana. Two: she ordered Eggs Benedict and ate that nasty fucking slop with her mouth wide open and talked about bullshit with the eggs visible in her mouth the whole time. Eat eggs all you want around me but don't do it with them dribbling down your maw like slobbered  oatmeal. Three: the drunkard, doped up pill popper had the goddamned nerve to lay into me about me not believing in Jesus. Get the fuck out. I just knew that this was damaged beyond repair. After breakfast she gave me a ride back to my car. I didn't even say goodbye. Got the fuck out. Booked. Because I just knew.