My answer to a question I hate.

Some goddamned moron was asking me what my five favorite movies are. I told him that much like bands, singers, books or songs I have no specific favorites because I love so many. Such an answer was far too intellectually tough for him so he asked me the exact same thing again. So, fuck it. Here's what I told him.

1) First place is a tie. Jaws and Gummo. Jaws sent me off on  a 2 year long reading orgy of devouring every fucking book I could get my hands on about sharks. I even wrote 10 year old stalker letters to Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute for extra shark information. It may not seem like it but I did have friends when I was a kid. I was just crazy as hell. I wore a JAWS t shirt for my 5th grade picture. Gummo, on the other hand showed my childhood in a way that no other film ever has. Watch it. That's how I grew up. Nothing else to say about it.
2) Second place is a tie. Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things and I Drink Your Blood. The first was my introduction to zombie movies. Saw it at the drive in when I was 6. Greatest evening of my entire childhood. My family spoke of this movie and its horrors for years. When I saw it again as an adult I realized how cheap it was but for all of its cheapness, it delivers. In spades. I flat out love the second. Mansonesque acid hippies invade a small town, have blood rituals in the woods, dose an old man with LSD and then comes the rabies. Fucking brilliant cinema.
3) Four way tie between as many John Waters films. Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, Desperate Living and Polyester. Yeah, Hairspray and Crybaby are fun and all but these four right here do all I want the man's movies to do to me. If you haven't seen them I can't imagine what awful rock you have been living under but you need to scramble out to see these. Suitable for children.
4) Simon of the Desert. I wonder what the fuck Luis Bunuel was on when he made this fucking abortion. I love it though. And when it comes to an end that you expect to tell you all, you get jarred right out of your mind by how fucking ridiculous it is.
5) Fool's Rush In. What kind of romantic-fun-hater would not enjoy this movie?

Dude was slackjawed when I finished telling him all of this. He knew about Jaws but that was it.